It was quite a summer adventure. I traveled for nine weeks visiting different corners of the U.S. and beyond. It started in Puerto Rico in June and ended in western Massachusetts in August. There were lots of airline peanuts and Diet Cokes in between, but that was only the physical part of my journey. Inside, I traveled from anxiety to complete joy, from anger to a feeling of overwhelming responsibility, from inexplicable energy to questioning everything to knowing and on and on. Some days I felt like there was absolutely no order to anything in the world, and other days, I had clear visions of God. This is part of my summer journal and my story:

Thursday, June 24 -- Tijuana, Mexico
I'm sitting at the beach after visiting the landfill. I don't think there was anything anyone could've said to prepare me for this experience. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. We were very visible driving our large vans through the middle of the landfill -- thirty white people coming to bestow mercy on the poor Mexicans who live there. It felt too showy for me. I was confused about praying and reading scripture before we gave out food. What does a verse from the Bible have to do with what these people live everyday? Even saying "Dios te Bendiga" as I handed out water and fruit seemed fraudulent. Of course, God does love them, but it's got to be hard to hear about and believe in a God who loves you when you can't make enough money to feed yourself or your family. Is this prayer and reading of scripture to make us feel better or is it really helpful? I certainly didn't feel very good about myself as we left that place.

Fred mentioned that a lot of the trash comes from the U.S. It's cheaper for us to dump our stuff here than to dispose of it properly (what does that even mean?). As I was walking along, I talked to a work camper who said, "I'm looking for all of our plastic spoons from this week." We throw away and then dump it so we don't have to look at it. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Fred and I talked to a man named Joe. Joe has lived in the dump for five months. I tried to shake his hand after Fred introduced me. He would barely touch my hand. I thought maybe there was something wrong with his hand or fingers. Really, I think he was afraid to get me all dirty. Senzenina – What have we done?

Some of the ladies were blessing us as we gave them food or water. It was difficult to accept. I feel like I'm part of the reason people live like this. My trash is in the bags they are digging through. My stuff is carelessly discarded. And when I was confronted with that reality, I didn't know how to handle it. These vivid images will eventually fade and I will probably forget and go back to being wasteful and excessively consumptive. I hope I can remember...

After we finished walking around and talking, Fred passed out hand sanitizing soap to everyone. There's not enough soap in the world to wash away the guilt and responsibility. We can try to protect ourselves against dirt and germs, but what good will that do for these people? Washing it all away is so easy for us...

Fred took me to the edge of the landfill to show me some places we might visit later. As we were picking our way through the trash, I noticed a dead rat, practically gutted with flies buzzing all around it. That's what these people live with. That's their reality.

Thursday, August 5, 1999 -- Mendenhall, Mississippi
We've just returned from dinner at Timothy and Suzanne Keys' house. They spoke to us about Mendenhall Ministries and the community work they do. Suzanne spoke of starting the law office and the barriers she faced in the community. She came to Mendenhall an atheist and has since changed course dramatically. She talked about a time when a racist, white man got angry with her and asked her how she could sleep at night doing what she was doing (fighting for equality and justice for blacks). She looked him in the eye and said "slept like a baby. Are you having problems?"

Then she talked about how wonderful it was to know she was doing something for Jesus and doing the work that Jesus would be doing if He were on Earth. She talked about the pleasure and power that comes from knowing your life is dedicated to the cause of working for God. She asked the question "What are you doing with your life for God?" In a room full of forty people, I knew that I felt her eyes make contact with mine. To the very core of my being, I felt her asking ME that question. What am I doing? What do I want to be doing to help the cause of peace and justice?

We all have our own journey in life. I believe when we are truly living, we open ourselves to experiencing other people and hearing their stories. It's amazing what can happen when you choose to let go.